preamble
I’m so charged up like a battery. I’m frustrated because i don’t know the best way to write this but I don’t care either! I just know that it start with an exhalation of ideas. A scream powerful enough to break the membrane of my inner world and crash through into the void that is my external presentation of self. Even if only to dissipate into the void, I still think it’s worth it to shout. Rather than being scared or threatened by the void around me, I am actually starting to see it as a strength, a gift. I have the privilege of screaming and having no one hear me. I love that I have a little world all to myself to start shouting and posting obscenities on my blog. Forget being seen, it’s deeply cathartic to create the opportunity to be seen such that I am someone who is not seen for lack of trying to be seen, but someone who is not seen for lack of a seer. Now, what to when someone sees me. That’s a whole other problem all together, I suppose I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. I’ll continue writing first draft blog posts until one of them breaks through into the outside to dissipate in peace and darkness.
I’ll be huddled inside my bubble in the void with my plushies and my selves, we’ll be waiting.
Explainer
Dear reader, welcome to my digital open adventure.
Previously when I’ve tried to start building public in the past, I have always started with my back story. This time though, we’re gonna George Lucas this shit. The new approach is that if I want to share something from the past, I’ll do so by diving into it for the purpose of examining a specific situation and topic to extract learnings from it that are valuable to you and me. If I don’t need to dive into and examine it in order to get to my destination, you don’t most certainly don’t either.
For now what you need to know about me is that I’m 25, it’s KOii, like Chloe but I don’t take L’s, I’m a founder of the multidisciplinary designer variety. My dream is to build a life in which I have total freedom to work my ass off toward building a sustainable solar punk utopia future, one so good that I should absolutely be considered crazy for thinking that we can reach it at all.
One where climate change is a thing of the past, war between humans is seen the way we look like human sacrifice today. The world is working together, empowered by technology that assists us and creates a surplus of value so that people are free to do whatever they actually care about and have in their hearts. I’m describing post scarcity. I just have a very blurry picture at the moment.
I should mention, I’m a transgender female (I was born as a woman’s soul in a boys body and had to take gender affirming medication in order to bring my body into alignment with my internal understanding of my self.) My pronouns are she/her. I’m explaining this here because I’m only going to bring it up again if it’s crucial to the plot line.
sun_092924 a small group of builders come together for an accountability group
Today I drove over the Bay Bridge to San Francisco to attend a builder accountability group that my friend organized. I sat in traffic while listening to Pure “O” OCD by Chad Lejeune. I felt trapped in my car regretting not taking public transportation.
The real solution of course is to move to San Francisco, every time I go it’s like coming up for air before being pulled back underwater. The energy in SF is palpable and electric. I feel it inside myself and I see it in the passion of the builders there.
I might just start packing.
I squeezed into a parking space, hopped out, walked past my destination, retraced my steps and descended a flight of stairs to the entrance to The Commons, a community space in San Francisco’s Hayes Valley.
I greeted my friend, Lisa, we grabbed some tea and started catching up when we were pulled into a side room by two guys. From there a conversation on memetics and the occult with wickedly intelligent early 20 something google result for “philosopher”.
An hour later, the accountability group started. We sat in a circle and shared what we’d each been working on recently. I felt particularly self conscious, being among such brilliant people made me shaky and I was nervous.
Most everyone including me was juggling multiple tasks at once and building journaling systems to keep track of everything and navigate our own individual paths. Projects ranged from locally hosted AI image manipulation to economic papers for post scarcity economics. I sputtered through an explanation of my blog and how I was loosely using an fantasy adventure metaphor to inform my design decisions.
The purpose of the blog is to..erm…erm blog?
It’s funny how ideas seem crystal clear and robust until you start having to talk about them in front of people who intimidate you.
Despite my nerves I knew that this is exactly where I wanted to be and the people I wanted to be with even if I had barely met most of them. What felt great about it was that, unlike in the east bay where my drive and discipline set me apart from most of my peers, in SF, in The Commons, sitting among builders I felt totally normal, totally small, totally at home. I felt like I had room to spread out my roots and grow uninhibited.
After sharing and questions and a shared dinner we parted ways, I drove back across the bay bridge and started typing.
How the blog fits in 🧩
Well this was the vessel that I was waiting for all along. I told myself I would lean back into my journey the moment that I had a vessel in which to bottle it. Now I do. 🍾
Having a place to share my path, I can be at peace with any outcome. Now I am not just a journaler but a writer with a portal into the digital void, I can leave it in the paint. I am curious what it is that is so cathartic about an open journal vs a closed on. That’s something I may explore in more detail later. I just know that, for the first time since my teenage vlogging years, I’m telling my story as I live it and that is enough.
Additional Thoughts
Project completion as an asymptote
The path is so winding it feels like your goals are just a couple paces ahead of you but with every step you meet more and more resistance until you can barely move. The gravity of your past demands you back and, tired, high off the ground you forget why you wanted to leave it in the first place. It only takes a single doubt to bring you crashing back down. Then you remember why you strive, you remember why you dream and the cycle repeats. The magic occurs when you realize that no matter how fast or slow time goes, as long as you keep your belief alive you will not fall. As long as you believe in your dream without a single doubt, you cannot fall even it feels like you’ve ground to a halt. The illusion breaks when you realize that it’s not a race, you must simply stay focused on your goals no matter how fast you’re moving, and you will get there.
Hypothesis
In order to go from a reality in which you haven’t accomplished something to one in which you have you have to briefly look away. You must lose touch completely with the goal at just the right moment and it will transfer from something with a thousands un-dotted i’s to something that you can consider done. You must put space between yourself and your work in the dimension of time in order to get far enough away from it to assess that it is finished.
Resolution
So off we go. Time to get back to building that future. The rest of the shit you want to style on that website of yours is gonna have to wait. just get the fuck off local host. xoxo
KOii
